Our 6 year old is deep in learning the 3 R's that so many of us remember from our grade school days. Going through his lessons are something of a mixed bag as his interest and commitment waver, especially when he'd rather be playing or getting screen time. We try to remind him that these basic skills are foundational to doing bigger and better things but that gave me pause, wondering what are the basic skills that I tend to overlook now that I'm navigating the mamahood. What do I need to master to do bigger and better things in my life?
Reframe: Gonna be honest here. I'm not a great sleeper. I've spent many a night tossing and turning over some difficulty from the day and going through 281,395,476 different ways of how I will address it. Serial overthinker, party of one over here.
But when the kids are having a hard time, in those moments of trying to prevent an unending meltdown, I try to get them to take deep breaths, remind them that the frustration at that moment isn't forever and then help them to refocus. Or sometimes when it can't be solved, I distract them with something completely different so they can't fixate. Snacktime to the rescue! When they've managed to reframe their minds, they're pretty quickly laughing and enjoying life again.
Teaching the kids how to reframe feels like a normal part of my responsibility as their parent in helping them navigate a big, unfamiliar world and all its problems. If we didn't, we'd be living in one unending, painful meltdown. Yet somehow as I toss and turn in bed at night, I'm living my own agonizing meltdown because I've forgotten to take deep breaths, remember these moments aren't forever and refocus myself.
Refuel: Our 4 year old is an excellent grazer. If it wasn't for the adorable squeaky voice, the "can I have another snack?" 72 times a day would make one want to rip out their hair. If she's awake, good odds that she's eating.
This used to annoy me until I realized that she's so much smarter than I am and just constantly refueling so she has energy to play all day (and then fight bedtime each night). In my own life, I can barely be counted on to consistently refuel any day. It's not just nutritionally, though my husband knows very well that I like ABSOLUTELY NO ONE until after I've had my coffee, him and the kids included. I run just slightly above the "low fuel" light going on pretty consistently.
In recent years, the need for "self-care", especially for mothers, has been on the rise but the whole trend (albeit probably well meaning) feels a little bougie and luxurious in a way that I have a hard time getting on board with in real life. But if I'm going to reframe and be honest, I don't put gas in the car because it's "self-care". I put gas in the car because I want to get from point A-B-C-D and I need to refuel in order to do it. If I want to be a good mama/wife/ employee/boss/daughter/sister/friend, why do I wait for a bi-annual girls' trip to recharge?
I don't think I need to have the 72 snacks a day, but the 4 year old clearly is on to something that I completely missed. Getting away for a girls' trip is not a realistic possibility on a daily basis, but since I've started to try to do small things for myself - taking a walk, reading a book for fun, having a catch up call with my sister, or putting on a Korean face mask - I've found that I'm far more engaged and present with those around me, less stressed and impatient and able to really participate in my relationships at work and at home. And (gasp), I enjoy it so much more!
Repeat: The first 2 R's are key, but the one that really rounds it out is the 3rd - repeat. Reframing on a bad day is great but not if I can't consistently do it and revert back to curling into a ball when things go wrong. For a week last fall, I practiced 7 days of intentional self-care where I would carve out one thing for myself each day because a celebrity I loved was doing it and invited others to join her. It was amazingggggggg. I felt refreshed and renewed and had so much more energy to do other things that week. And then... life happened and I forgot and didn't make it such a priority and wasn't intentional in finding small ways to refuel each day. And back to driving on empty we were.
In Atomic Habits, James Clear points out how it's impossible to improve a habit if it hasn't been established. There's no way to reach the "atomic" level of really exploding and taking hold for an individual if they haven't created the systems for that habit to flourish. On a larger cultural and societal scale, Malcolm Gladwell illustrates in The Tipping Point the incredible impact there can occur when there's intentionality and stickiness. He expands further in Outliers that to really achieve greatness, time and repetition have to be committed. Most people don't aspire to a life of mediocrity, but have I followed the principles to help achieve greatness?
Here's to going back to school and practicing the 3 R's adulthood. Care to join me?
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